The Shiny Piston Inserted In My Skull

I always thought that the bones in my inner ear had cute names and would be easy to remember for a high school biology test: hammer, anvil, stirrup.

However, on Monday my ear changed.  A surgeon inserted a piston in my skull.  Now, my inner ear consists of a hammer, an anvil, and a shiny piston.

Over the years since high school biology, the stirrup in my right ear became calcified.  My hearing was diminished.  When I got my first hearing aid in 1992, I was told about “The Operation.”  This meant replacing the stirrup bone with a plastic bone, which would vibrate and help my hearing.

Time went by, and I decided to investigate having “The Operation”.  By then “The Operation” had advanced medically and meant replacing the stirrup bone with a spring.  I set up a date for the surgery.

Then I was at lunch with someone from the Human Resources Department where I work.  I mentioned my upcoming ear surgery, and she said there was an employee in California who had the same surgery, and I should get in touch with him.

Good thing I got in touch.  The fellow in California emailed back: the operation improved his hearing but damaged his sense of balance.

Hmm…it did not take long to decide which is better: improved hearing or a good sense of balance. Good balance enables you to carry on everyday life.

I went back to the ear surgeon and said I was cancelling my surgery because I did not want to risk losing my sense of balance.  The surgeon’s response: “Oh, it’s not a big deal; only six of my patients have ever lost their sense of balance.”

Really?  Six patients unable to carry on everyday life?  I didn’t care if it was six out of a hundred or six out of a thousand, this surgeon never mentioned it to me.  Surgery cancelled.

Time went by some more, and I decided to investigate again.  This time I looked for an ear surgeon who specialized in balance.  I met with him, and he told me about the results of the surgery.  96% of people gain improved hearing; 3% have no change; 1% have a loss.

I decided to go with it.  This surgeon was upfront about the risks, and if there was a balance problem he would be the one to fix it.

But now “The Operation” means replacing the stirrup bone with a piston.

The piston was inserted five days ago.  At the moment, I am not sure if it has improved my hearing because I have to wear a wad of cotton taped in my right ear to keep medicine from leaking out.

However, my balance is not a problem.

My main problem now is my friends' comments:  "Don’t blow a gasket!"  "You must be high octane now!"  "How many miles per gallon are you getting with a shiny piston in your skull?"

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NOTE: Doug's best stories have been collected into a book: Puppy Out Of Breath.  Price = $11.  You can purchase a copy at  http://www.puppyoutofbreath.com