Never Say That Vampires Are Fictional

Somehow, the St. Louis Paranormal Research Society got wind of me.

They heard that I lead Saturday morning vampire tours in St. Louis, and decided that I would be a suitable pre-séance speaker for their Halloween Night paranormal extravaganza, called Dark St. Louis.

What the Paranormal Society did not know is that my vampire tours are light-hearted, based on the novels of Laurel K. Hamilton, who describes a thriving vampire community on St. Louis' waterfront.  I even promise the people on my tour that they will get to see an actual vampire.  Yes, they will see a vampire standing in the window of the Wax Museum on the waterfront....and if they complain that he does not move, I point that vampires can’t move when it is broad daylight.

When the head of the Paranormal Society called me up to invite me to speak at their event, I made an enormous faux pas.  I said: "Yes, I lead vampire tours, but vampires are fictional."

Never, never, never say "vampires are fictional" to the head of the Paranormal Society; he gets all bent out of shape.

Response: "Vampires are REAL.  I have seen people drink human blood."

Obviously I had touched a nerve.  I knew best to not get snarky and ask the guy: "And these people you saw drinking human blood, were they 800 years old?"

I talked to another member of the Paranormal Society.  “I lead vampire tours, focusing on Laurel K. Hamilton’s books about fictional vampires.”

Response: “There is a lot of truth in fiction.”

Then I asked a woman from New Orleans if vampires are fictional.  She did not get bent out of shape; instead she gave me a comprehensive overview.

Response: “Folklore around the world has references to vampires, which would indicate that vampires do exist.  Today, there are people who drink human blood, and call themselves vampires.”

Dr. D. J. Williams (photo above), a sociology professor at Idaho State University, actually did a study of eleven self-identified vampires.

So, for my pre-séance talk at the Halloween Night paranormal extravaganza, I needed to avoid vampires, avoid fiction, and avoid the drinking of human blood.  

I chose the topic: "Dark Moments in St. Louis History".  I covered plagues, the secret spraying of St. Louis children with zinc cadmium sulfite by the United States Army, grave robbing, river pirates, the torture of St. Louis citizens by British mercenary troops, exorcism, and various gruesome deaths.

I also told the audience what the next dark moment will be.  The uranium used for the atomic bomb was refined in St. Louis, and the radioactive waste from the refining process was buried in a landfill in a suburb in 1945.  Currently, there is an underground fire in another landfill working its way straight toward the radioactive landfill.

My conclusion: after so many centuries of misfortune, it is no wonder that St. Louis is a hotbed of paranormal activity.  Hearing this must have pleased the head of the Paranormal Research Society.

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Nosferatu, the classic silent movie about a vampire, was re-mastered in 2013.  Here is a 2-minute trailer for the film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LOOhc2eML4

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NOTE: Doug's best stories have been collected into a book: Puppy Out Of Breath.  Price = $11.  Send an email to ParadiseDouglas at gmail.com to find out how to purchase a copy by mail.

The Blood District

I was fascinated to learn that St. Louis has the largest vampire population of any city in the United States.

This fact makes sense because of the famous court case, Addison vs. Clark, when vampires earned the same legal rights as humans: vampires can sue in St. Louis city courts and vampires can vote in St. Louis city elections.

Because of the large vampire population it also makes sense that the federal government opened a RIP-IT office (Regional Preternatural Investigative Team) in St. Louis.

Most St. Louis vampires like to hang out in the Blood District because of its old buildings and cobblestone streets.  This section of the riverfront managed to escape the wrecking balls of the twentieth century.  All the buildings in the District are at least one hundred years old, many of them going back to Civil War days, and some of them having Underground Railroad holding rooms.

I am a St. Louis walking tour guide.  At the end of March, I will be taking people on a walking tour of the Blood District.  My tour will be in the daytime; so, unfortunately, we will miss out on the vampire strip clubs which, obviously, can only operate after dark.

Vampire life in St. Louis is described in detail by author Laurell K. Hamilton, whose books about Anita Blake, America’s foremost vampire hunter, have sold over 6,000,000 copies so far.

Last week, I went to Barnes & Noble to buy a Laurell K. Hamilton book.  I wanted to find out more about St. Louis' vampires and the Blood District.

I stepped up to the information desk.  The young lady working at the desk asked me if I was looking for a book.  “Yes,” I said, “I am looking for Guilty Pleasures.”

As soon as she heard me utter the title of the book, the young lady gasped slightly and stopped dead in her tracks.  She nervously inquired: “Sir, are you buying this book for yourself?”

“Yes, I am buying it for myself.”

“Then, Sir, I need to warn you --- this book is very explicit.”

Oh, dear, she saw me as a 68-year-old who must have been raised on books like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.  She saw me as a 68-year-old who would have a coronary if he read about what really goes on in vampire strip clubs.

I realized that I needed to reassure the young woman.  I looked her in the eye and said, “Don’t worry; I have a lot of mileage on my odometer.”

She went to a nearby shelf and found a copy of Guilty Pleasures for me to buy.

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NOTE: Doug's best stories have been collected into a book: Puppy Out Of Breath.  Price = $11.  You can purchase a copy at  http://www.puppyoutofbreath.com