The Forks Were Wired To The Table

When I moved to London to live on the GI Bill, I wasn’t quite prepared for the class divisions in Britain.

I knew that the best way to experience local life was to visit a pub. 

When I visited my first pub, I had a dilemma: the pub had two doors.  One door was marked LOUNGE, and the other door was marked PUBLIC.  I wasn’t sure which door I should enter; I decided to go in the PUBLIC door since I was a member of the public.  Once inside, I ordered a pint and noticed that the floor was uncarpeted and the chairs had no cushions.  I could peek into the LOUNGE side of the pub: over there, it looked cozy, with carpets and cushions.

I learned that the PUBLIC side was designed for the working class --- blue collar workers who had just gotten off of work, wearing grimy work clothes and dirty boots.  Hence, no carpets and no cushions.  But a pint on the PUBLIC side of the pub cost less than the same pint on the LOUNGE side of the pub --- so I often drank on the PUBLIC side to help my GI Bill go further.

I also noticed that all pubs closed at 11 PM. 

For transportation, I took the London Underground, where the last trains left around midnight.

These hours seemed restrictive for a major city like London.  

Then I heard a theory: these hours were designed to get the working class back home and in bed at a reasonable hour.  The middle-class and upper-class did not depend on public transit; they had cars, and also had private drinking clubs which stayed open into the wee hours of the morning.

Made sense to me, but it was only a theory.

During my time in Britain, nothing said class division like my visit to Longleat House, a stately home in Horningsham, Wiltshire.  Longleat was the seat of the Marquess of Bath.

Longleat was an enormous house with an enormous lawn.  I liked the way the nearby woods created a dark backdrop that intensified the grandeur of the house's exterior.  I paid the entrance fee, and stepped into the interior of Longleat House; I felt like I was stepping back in time.

This was the first stately home in Britain ever to be opened to the public.  Apparently the Marquess of Bath could not afford the upkeep.  

This made me wonder about the flock of sheep I had seen cropping the enormous lawn.  I could not tell if the sheep were a recent economic measure, or if sheep had been maintaining the lawn since 1579.

Inside Longleat, I walked through rooms full of elegant furniture; I looked at lots of paintings on the walls; I gazed up at intriguing ceilings.

The dining room slowed me down because the table was set.  I imagined being invited to dinner by the Marquess of Bath.  The elegant place settings glinted at me.  I looked closely: the knives, forks, and spoons were gold.  Looking closer, I could see that they were wired to the table.

Ah, yes, you don’t want the entrance-fee-paying public to pocket your expensive silverware.  I was digesting this thought when I overheard two women next to me discussing the china pattern.

“This china is not as colorful as Lady Caroline’s china.”

“I know, but I like this pattern better than Lady Elizabeth’s china.”

I realized that I was standing next to two women who were in the nobility, peeresses of the realm.  

The general public comes to Longleet House to marvel at the elegant building and to be impressed by its glorious interior.  These two peeresses had come to Longleet House to get some home decorating ideas.

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A 2-minute video of a trip through Longleat's hedge maze, said to be the most difficult in the world.  The goal is to get to the tower...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzMV-piZPk

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NOTE: Doug's best stories have been collected into a book: Puppy Out Of Breath.  Price = $11.  Send an email to ParadiseDouglas at gmail.com to find out how to purchase a copy by mail.