The Opened Bag Of Cheez-Its

We flew deep into the Wrangell Mountains of Alaska on an 8-seater bush plane, built only 6 years after I was born.  It was the thirty-fifth DeHavilland DHC-2 Beaver ever to roll off the assembly line.  The plane was still in good flying condition and delivered us to the isolated Kennicott Glacier Lodge.

My buddy Randy and I were on a small-group guided tour, and the day’s activity was a hike.

The hike was to be 4 miles to the trail’s end, which offered a panoramic view, and 4 miles back.  The group headed out.  After a few miles, I not only started to fatigue, I started to freak out because we were walking over rocks and I imagined slipping off a rock and crushing my ankle.

When we stopped to eat our sack lunches, I announced that I was not going any further.  I would watch people’s backpacks while they continued the hike to the panoramic view.  The group went on, and I settled down on the most comfortable rock I could find.

I noticed that I was sitting next to an opened bag of Cheez-Its, left over from lunch.  I also noticed that I had a fine view of a glacier, and that I was enveloped in a rare silence: the dense silence of the Alaskan wilderness.

The silence was broken by four German hikers, eager to display a photo on their camera.  “Ein Bar”.  A brown bear?  Where?  “Dort.”  They pointed, and I thought they were pointing halfway up the mountain.  “Am links.”  I looked to the left and did not see anything up on the mountain.  “Er ist verschwundet.”  Dang, the bear on the mountain has disappeared.

The Germans continued their hike.  I settled back onto my rock, enjoying the glacier view, the solitude, and the dense silence.

This time the silence was broken by the sudden appearance of Randy, who was gasping for breath and shouted, “Doug, there is a bear behind you.”

I turned around, and there was a brown bear, staring at the opened bag of Cheez-Its.

I remembered what to do when confronted by a bear in the wild: I am supposed to stand tall and make a lot of noise.  However, I did not stand tall and I did not make noise.  Instead, I pulled out my camera and took a photo.

Apparently, the bear was camera shy.  It did not like the flash, and it lumbered away.

Randy filled me in on what happened. 

The four Germans caught up with my tourgroup, displayed the photo on their camera, and scolded them in English: “You should not leave your friend alone.  There is a bear 50 meters away from him.”  On hearing that number, Randy ran all the way back to where I was sitting amidst the backpacks and the remains of the sack lunches.

The Germans had not told me that the bear in their camera was 50 meters away from me.  When they were pointing to show me the bear's location, I thought they were pointing halfway up the mountain --- but they were pointing at the ridge right behind me.  By the time Randy appeared to save me from the animal, it was 20 meters away.

I learned my lesson.  Never sit by yourself next to an opened bag of Cheez-Its in Alaska.  I think that advice also holds for opened bags of potato chips and Fritos as well.

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NOTE: Doug's best stories have been collected into a book: Puppy Out Of Breath.  Price = $11.  You can purchase a copy at  http://www.puppyoutofbreath.com