I Would Rather Give Birth

My scoutmaster told me that this day would come, but I wasn’t thinking of my scoutmaster at the time.  I was working for Wells Fargo Bank in Minneapolis, and I was leading a meeting about the changes I was making in some Wire Transfer reports.

I gave an overview of the report changes, and then I suddenly felt like an enormous skewer had been inserted in my body right above my pelvis.  The pain was intense. 

I ended the meeting abruptly, walked out of the meeting room, asked a co-worker if he knew how to drive a stick shift, and handed him my car keys.  Please drive me to the hospital.  My car was a tan Toyota: just go through the door on the second floor of the parking garage and it was the fourth car on the left.  I would be waiting in the bank lobby.

I asked my co-worker Cindy to wait with me.  The two of us sat on the guard’s desk in the lobby: Cindy sitting tall and me buckled over in pain.  Cindy kept my spirits up by patting me on the back.

My co-worker showed up and handed back my car keys.  He was unable to find my car.  Although my mind was half-blinded with pain, I still had time to wonder: second floor door, fourth car on the left --- how hard is that?

Luckily, Beth walked through the lobby.  Did you drive today?  Yes.  Can you take me to the hospital?  Yes.

Beth got her car, pulled up to the lobby.  Cindy helped me get in the car.

Little did I know that Beth was the slowest driver in all of Minneapolis.  Beth, could you go a little faster?  Beth, please don’t stop for yellow lights; just stop for red lights.

Finally, through the fog of my pain, I saw the emergency room door.  I was admitted to the hospital after being diagnosed.

Kidney stone. 

When I was a Boy Scout, my scoutmaster had told the entire troop that we were going to grow up and we were all going to get a kidney stone.  He was right, but it was impossible to convey how unpleasant it would be.

After my kidney stone calmed down, and I got out of the hospital, a friend told me that she knew a woman who had experienced a kidney stone and had experienced childbirth.  That woman had said “Given a choice: I would rather give birth than have a kidney stone.”

But there is an advantage to giving birth: If you announce that you are in labor, your co-workers will find your car, they will drive real fast to the hospital, and they won’t stop for yellow lights.

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NOTE: Doug's best stories have been collected into a book: Puppy Out Of Breath.  Price = $11.  You can purchase a copy at  http://www.puppyoutofbreath.com